Broken
by DarkLuxis
Summary: Broken...he was broken... but wasn't everyone else in this helpless world? "Smile," he would tell himself, "just smile... and everything will be okay." His lips would turn upwards and his eyes would crinkle at the corners. "Smile so they don't have to... so they don't know..." /Yullen (KandaxAllen). Warning: Yaoi (BoyxBoy), suicidal thoughts, actions, and attempts, profanity./
1. Skin Like Porcelain

**Hello, lovely readers. I have begun a new story that I will finish this time..and**** I'm warning you now for manga spoilers****.. Heh... anyways..** **This story will be taking place in the manga but he will stay at the order rather than leave, and Kanda will return to the order after being with Alma.**

**Warning: Contains Yaoi (BoyxBoy), violence, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, self harm, sexually suggestive actions (lemon/smut. In the future), and profanity.**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own -Man...Katsura Hoshino does.**_

* * *

Broken...

.

.

He was broken... but...wasn't everyone in this helpless world?

.

.

"Smile," he would tell himself, "just smile... and everything will be okay." His lips would turn upwards and his eyes would crinkle at the corners.

"Smile so they don't have to... so they don't know..."

* * *

Allen had long ago given up on trying to pull the restraints off. His arms were bound by chains. His legs, bound just the same, were left tucked beneath him. They had long since gone numb. His once snowy hair, grey from dirt, hung limp as he dangled his head in fatigue. His neck ached and his back burned.

"Just one more day.." he told himself weakly. The same routine every day. Wake up, wait for Link to come feed him, say nothing as he was interrogated, wait for isolation, then when he was left to his dark thoughts, he would tell himself to wait.

"Just one more day... and I'll be free." It was always the same. One more day. It was always one more day. His breath hitched and he bit his lip, drawing blood.

"O-one...more..." his voice cracked and he coughed violently. His once bright, silver eyes, were now a dull, lifeless grey. His cheeks, filthy, shined where tears streaked. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Timcanpy chained to the ground. His tears fell a little faster. His ears picked up the far away sound of people chatting and laughing with each other. His head drooped a little lower. He could smell Jerry's delicious food from afar. His whimpers grew a little louder. He tasted the metallic blood in his mouth from the lip he gnawed at so often. His lip bled a little swifter. He could feel the cold ground beneath his calloused hands. His hope faded a little quicker.

"Today marks 62 days in this damn room..." he mumbled to himself, wiping his tear stained cheeks on his clothed shoulder. The door creaked and he stiffened, pressing his lips together in a thin line. In walked Link, along with a large needle. His blood shot eyes widened and he shook his head weakly. Link sighed sadly and gripped Allen's chin with his thumb and index finger.

"Your refusal to talk has left us no choice.. you are to be sedated and taken to the central branch.." He informed the shivering boy. Allen gulped and shook his head again, this time a bit rougher. Link sighed again and gripped the younger boy's shoulder tightly. The now trembling boy attempted to shrug off the blonde's hand to no avail. Using a bit more force, Allen tried again, failing once more. Growling softly, Link raised the needle, pointing it at the boy's arm. Allen screamed. He screamed at the top of his lungs and thrashed around, trying to get away from the needle. Link was surprised to say the least. After 62 days of silence, besides the shuffling of his own foot steps and Allen's clothes as he moved around, Allen's shriek was hoarse but deafening none the less. Link winced and pulled back. Allen continued his thrashing, however. He tugged at the chains that bound his arms and legs, drawing blood. He screeched and cried. After twenty long minutes, he gave up. His wails shrank to whimpers, then nothing, and he curled in on himself. He was bloodied and battered and looked as if he was just given the beating of a life time. His face, Link noticed, looked like porcelain. His face so smooth and pale, smudged with dirt and blood. He wasn't frowning or scowling or glaring or sobbing hysterically or shouting or biting his lip. His face was emotionless, completely empty, numb. But there were tears. His face was emotionless, yet a silent, steady flow of tears streamed down his doll like cheeks. Link walked away. Allen didn't notice.

It had been 62 silent days. 62 days that Nea could have appeared. 62 days that he didn't. And yet, Allen was still here. Ever so slowly, he adapted. Over time he learned to accept his fate. He could never function in a normal society again, he believed. He never could to begin with. Daily he told himself that it would all be over, just wait one more day. Daily his hope faded. Today, he gave up. Today, he stopped walking. Today, he thought of Mana. Today, he apologized. Today, he realized that he didn't want tomorrow to come.

"Please... kill me..." he whispered into the darkness, "I can't take this solitude...I'm losing my sanity." Allen shivered and curled up a little tighter. His eyes slipped shut and his thoughts drifted into nothingness as he lost consciousness.

He woke up to the sound of a door closing, some hours later. His eyes stayed shut as he feigned sleep.

"I know you're awake." Link voiced. Allen sighed and opened his eyes, sitting upright. "You're not going to central. You will be staying here.. in the order.. as an active exorcist. I will be watching you again, but you will be free to go on missions, I'll be there of course. You will go back to the way things were before Nea's awakening. However, if he reawakens at any time, and he is confirmed dangerous, you will be taken to central immediately." He coughed and moved to Allen's side. Allen's eyes were as wide as plates and his mouth was agape. Link smiled slightly and removed the chains. The younger boy immediately rubbed his raw wrists and ankles. His eyes locked onto his left, pitch black arm and he scowled. Link helped him to his feet and allowed the white haired boy to lean on him as they walked to the bathroom. Allen was scared. He was terrified that this was all another one of his dreams about freedom. He was scared that he would wake up back in that dark room. He was terrified that this was all a cruel joke and he would be taken back and locked up again any moment now.

As they stepped into the bright hallways, he squinted. Living in such a dark room for two months had definitely impaired his eyesight. In the bathroom, Allen sat on one of the many benches. He coughed awkwardly and peeled his clothes off, shuffling into one of the shower stalls. He turned the knob to about the middle, the water sprayed out lukewarm. He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding when he stepped under the flow of water. He hadn't showered in two months.. so he really needed this. After letting the water wash over him for a moment, he grabbed a bottle of mint scented shampoo and poured a generous amount in his shaking hand. Scrubbing it into his hair, a small smile graced his dirt covered face. After he felt it was shampooed enough, he rinsed it out of his hair and repeated the process with conditioner. Once he felt his hair was as clean as he would get it, he reached for the bar of soap with trembling hands. He had lost quite a bit of weight after eating only once or twice a week for two long months. His ribs poked out, along with his hip bones, and his spine was clearly visible against the pale skin on his back. His fingers, once long and slender, fit to play the piano, were now merely skin and bones. His cheeks and eyes, sunken in, no longer glowed. His legs, much like his arms, were thinner than any average persons. Gripping the soap, he ran the slippery bar across his body repetitively, scrubbing till the blood and dirt was no more. Something silver caught his eye and he turned his head to see what it was. A razor, one meant for shaving, lay in plain view. Allen reached out a small hand tentatively and grasped it.

"Hey, you done in there?" Link called from across the bathroom. His answer was the sound of the water being turned off. Allen tugged open the curtain and noticed Link was looking away from him. He padded over to his a folded pair of clothing and his exorcist jacket, presumably from his room, and placed the razor in the pocket of his jacket. He dried off and got dressed then walked over to Link and poked him in the arm.

"...C-can.. we go to... m-my room?" he mumbled in question. Link nodded, albeit a bit surprised at the sound of the young exorcist's voice, and lead him from the bathroom. When they arrived in his bedroom, Allen sat on his bed and looked around, taking note of Timcanpy sleeping on his pillow. His eyes softened a bit at the sight and he stroked the golem lovingly.

"I'll be outside the door when you're ready to go to the cafeteria." Link said, walking out the door. Allen nodded. Once the door was closed, he reached into his pocket and took the razor out. He looked around, searching for something he could use to get one of the blades out with. A key caught his eye and he shrugged, grabbing it. He slid the the key into the gap between the end blade and the plastic coating, then twisted the key, and out came the bade. He grabbed it from where it had fallen and placed it in his bed side table's drawer then placed the razor back into his pocket, planning to dispose of it later on. He returned the key to where he found it then opened the door. Link looked at him as if asking if he was really ready. Allen nodded.

"Let's.. Let's g-go..."

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**Tada.. tell me what you think.. heh.. I'm currently in love with the Yullen pairing. However, I don't think there relation ship will really start until quite a bit further into the story. I want to start with minor changes in Kanda's attitude towards Allen and have him progress slowly into loving Allen. For Allen I want him to be very quiet and confused.. He's gonna struggle a lot in my story... heh I'm evil.. and I think I want him to realize his feelings a bit before Kanda so as to add some inner turmoil about love. Well... what do you think?**


	2. Keys of Ivory

**In reply to anon: Yea, I know the razor blade was cliche, but part of the reason I used it was to lead to bigger forms of pain. I want it to start small and gradually grow to where it's not enough for him. Thank you for your review though! :)**

**Anyways. I decided to wait till Sunday and set a weekly update for every Sunday. So hello again lovely readers. Just so you know, I debated long and hard about when to introduce Kanda. I recommend listening to this during the piano scene:**

**watch?v=w0ifDqm6QDk**

**on You Tube. I love this song so much and I think it fit well with the scene. It's a beautiful OST.**

**Here is chapter 2! Sorry It's a bit shorter.  
**

**Warning: Contains Yaoi (BoyxBoy), violence, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, self harm, sexually suggestive actions (lemon/smut. In the future), and profanity.**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own D Gray-Man...Katsura Hoshino does.**_

* * *

"I can't do this." Allen mumbled, biting his lip. His fist was clenched, resting upon the large door that lead to the cafeteria. The white haired boy let out a sigh and leaned his forehead against the door. Link leaned against the wall nearby.

"Allen, it's now or never." the blonde man sighed, running a hand through his pony tail. Allen nodded slowly and pulled away from the door. The old door let out a creak as he pushed it open slowly. Opening the door fully, he stepped inside. He let out a breath he hadn't realized he was holding and looked around awkwardly. All eyes were on him as he made his way towards Jerry.

"Good to see you, Allen!" the chef exclaimed, smiling brightly. "What will it be today? I just love cooking for you!"

"J-just..." he coughed nervously, "just an order of mitarashi dango...p-please.." Jerry nodded dumbly and worked on the order. After receiving his dango, Allen made his way towards the center of the room, sitting at the table he had months ago. He was glaring at the ground and poking at his dango, when he heard the large door creak open once more. Looking up, his eyes caught sight of dark blue hair done up in a familiar fashion. He looked down once more and pulled his hood over his head so as not to give away his presence to the one person he wasn't looking forward to seeing again. Allen felt the table shift as weight was added to the opposite side.

"I thought I told all of you damn rats not to sit there." Kanda growled out, slurping his soba. Allen merely shrugged and continued with his dango. He gasped as he felt himself dragged up by the collar.

"I won't tolerate it." Kanda hissed, raising his fist. Allen sighed and covered his face.

"K-kanda... put me down..." he mumbled. Kanda dropped him nearly as fast as he had pulled him up, taking a few steps back.

"M-moyashi?" the samurai questioned in shock. Allen nodded, picking himself up. He sat back down and continued eating, uncomfortable from all the attention Kanda had attracted. Kanda sat down as well and looked around.

"Turn around you idiots." he growled out loudly, picking up his chopsticks. "So... you're... back?" Allen nodded again and pulled his hood down, rubbing his face tiredly. Kanda hummed and slurped his soba. Allen quickly finished his dango and deposited his tray on the dirty tray rack, then sped out of the cafeteria.

When he got back to his room, he slumped onto the bed and gave the room a once over. It hadn't changed much, but there were two new additions. In the far left corner stood a large, black grand piano. On the wall, above the piano, a painting of a large clown and a small clown playing the piano together hung. Tears collected in the corners of Allen's eyes as he made his way over to the piano. He stood before the painting, resting a hand on the larger clown. He smiled softy at the picture and sat down on the piano bench, lifting the lid to reveal red, ivory keys. He placed a finger on one of the keys then pressed down gently. A sweet sound reached his ears as he glided his hands skillfully over the keys, creating a harmonious melody. Swinging his body in time with the tempo, he allowed himself this moment of peace as he lost himself in the music. Tears clung to Allen's cheeks as his hands slipped from the keys, abruptly ending the sorrowful harmony. Allen clutched at his heart in pain and crumbled to the ground, the bench crashing to the floor.

"Mana...Mana...Mana!" each calling of his name becoming more frantic. "MANA!" Allen screamed in pain and curled into a ball. Link ran into the room and tugged at Allen, attempting to uncurl him.

"Allen? Allen! What's wrong?" the blonde asked in a panic. Looking out the door for some form of help, Link spotted Kanda and waved him over.

"What do you ne-" he was cut off as allen let out a bloodcurdling screech.

"MANA!" the exorcist wailed, hugging himself. Kanda glanced at Allen with what looked like concern in his eyes. He shuffled over to the younger exorcist and crouched down, poking his shoulder. Allen was quick to stand up, pushing Kanda away with a crazed look on his face.

"Don't touch me!" he warned the samurai, raising his fist. "Get out!" Kanda sighed and walked away without another word. Allen turned to Link.

"Leave me alone." he grumbled. Link moved to protest but was cut off.

"I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!" Allen howled at the blonde. Link sighed and walked out as well, shutting the door behind him. Allen dropped to the floor and hugged himself again, reaching towards his night stand with a trembling hand. He tugged the drawer out, spilling its contents on the floor. Allen scrambled to find what he was searching for. He clutched the small piece of metal tightly between two fingers and tugged at his right coat sleeve. He pulled it up to his elbow and took a deep breath, pressing the blade against his wrist. After a moment of hesitation, he dragged the blade across his wrist. It became much easier after that. He decorated his arm with cuts in various places before carefully carving into his skin "B-R-O-K-E-N". His lips turned upward as he finished his artwork. He wiped the razor off with a tissue before placing it in a pencil case, then stood. He leaned against the wall for support and pulled down his sleeve. Walking out his door he mumbled 'bathroom' to Link and shuffled to his destination. When he arrived, he scanned the room. After determining it empty, he turned on the sink and washed out his cuts, wrapping them in gauze soon after. When he finished the process, he pulled down his sleeve once more and stumbled back to his room, dropping onto his bed.

"I can't take this.." the boy muttered, laying on his right side. He wrapped his right arm around his torso and covered his ear with his left hand. Listening only to the sound of his slow breathing and the thump of his heart, he found himself in a trance-like state, staring off at the piano. Memories of Mana surfaced and he found himself smiling. His breathing evened out and his heart beat slowed as his eyes slipped shut.

"Mana..." He mumbled, falling into a state of unconsciousness. Link cracked open the door and peeked in, smiling to himself at the sight of the boy asleep.

"Sleep well Allen.."

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**I did my best. I felt this chapter was a bit rushed. I mean I'm submitting this thing 20 minutes before it's officially Monday for me. I just barely made it! Huzzahhh! Anyways.. I'm quite happy with how the chapter came out overall. The piano scene came from my heart. I play the piano and I tend to lose myself in music when I get depressed or when I'm having a bittersweet moment. As for where the piano came from, that will later be revealed. I will try to submit the next chapter a bit sooner next Sunday.**


	3. Change of Appearance

**Sorry I'm a day late.. I know last week I was all "Oh I'll stay on schedule" well no.. guess not. I'm terrible at that kind of shit. Anyways.. Here's chappy 3. And yes; I'm doing the cliche bad ass clothing change to match his new attitude. By the way, his exorcist uniform is the third one right now (the last one before the colors change to black and red.) , or in my opinion, the best one. So this chapter I'm turning Allen into a snob. If you don't like that then don't read it. I enjoy going OOC on really polite people and making them assholes. I think it's fun.  
**

**Warning: Contains Yaoi (BoyxBoy), violence, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, self harm, sexually suggestive actions (lemon/smut. In the future), and profanity.**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own D Gray-Man...Katsura Hoshino does.**_

* * *

Waking up early had become sort of a habit in the time Allen spent alone. He had learned to wake up before the caretakers came in so he would have time to collect his thoughts and calm himself down from the horrific images that passed through his head when he slept. Even now, in his own bed, the nightmares came. He saw himself mutilating his friends at the order, slaughtering innocent civilians, and worst of all, torturing Mana to the brink of death then leaving him to stain the pure, white snow with his blood as he took his last breaths.

Mornings were always this way. He had learned to hide the emotions long ago, as a child fending for himself in a cruel world. Allen sighed as he raked a hand through his hair. He glanced at the piano and smiled softly, remembering when things were simple. A knock on the door brought him out of his thoughts.

"You up?" Link asked, peeking his head in the room. Link's answer was Allen rising from the bed and walking towards his dresser.

"Okay, well I'll be outside when you're ready for breakfast." Link informed the albino before closing the door. Allen pulled out a white button up shirt, scowled at it, and put it back in the dresser.

"Ugh.." He grumbled, dissatisfied with his clothing options. "Hey Link?"

"Yeah?" The blonde asked from the other side of the door.

"Can we go shopping? I want... different clothes."

"...Sure." The blonde sighed. "Just get dressed for now and I'll notify Komui." Allen smirked and grabbed his only black button up and threw it on, rolling up the sleeves to his elbow, along with a pair of grey pants. He pulled on his exorcist coat and knee length boots and nodded in approval of his outfit after stopping by a full length mirror.

Stepping out into the hallway, Allen groaned. Walking his way was none other than Kanda. He sighed and leaned against the wall. Kanda glanced his way and grunted in greeting, not stopping his long strides towards the cafeteria. Allen scoffed and picked at his finger nails, resulting in Kanda's stopping.

"Got something to say, Moyashi?" Kanda sneered, gripping Mugen's hilt.

"Nothing worth wasting my time on you, Bakanda." Allen growled out to the larger man. Kanda's eyes, Allen being ever-observant, seemed to lighten just the slightest, and his shoulders seemed to relax the tiniest bit. The blue haired man's scowl deepened and he released his grip on Mugen, choosing instead to walk away.

"I wonder what that was about.." Allen mumbled confusedly, biting his thumb nail. Link returned moments later, informing Allen that Komui agreed to let them shop.

Allen smiled to himself as he dropped his many shopping bags onto his bed. Deciding to change and go to lunch, Allen rummaged through one of his bags, throwing his favorite selections onto his piano. He tugged on a pair of tight, black shorts that barely covered his ass and a black and grey striped, loose tee shirt that nearly slipped off his shoulder. He then threw his exorcist coat over, left unbuttoned, unzipped, and belt free. Allen slipped his knee high boots on and ruffled his hair in the mirror, then, deeming himself presentable, opened the door and gestured for Link to follow him.

"Lunch time." was all the exorcist said before walking off. Link followed after him slowly.

Stopping in front of the cafeteria, Allen took a deep breath and smirked slightly before dropping it and scowling. After a moment, he pushed the door open and stepped inside. Silence swept over the cafeteria and all eyes were on him. Seconds later, it erupted in whispers and finger pointing. Allen heard a catcall come from the right side of the room and turned towards a finder staring at him like a prostitute on a street corner.

"Damn Allen, lookin' good~" the finder called out. Allen smirked and sauntered over to him. He hooked a leg around the finder's waist and arched his back, pressing their stomachs together, then punched him in the face. A crack sounded and blood rushed from the nameless person's nose.

"Try that again." Allen purred and walked away. The cafeteria was in shock. Their precious, polite Allen was gone, replaced by this violent asshole. Allen smirked and ordered his usual mountain of food. He placed his plate on the table and pulled off his jacket, throwing it on the bench. When he went to sit down when he noticed some of the finder's blood on his boot. His scowl deepened and he bent over to clean t off with a napkin, giving the cafeteria a nice view of his ass. Of course, Kanda chose this moment to look up from his soba. Coughing up some of the soba he was in the middle of slurping, Kanda's eyes widened. Allen finished cleaning his boot and straightened himself, glancing at Kanda. He chuckled and threw out the napkin before plopping down in front of the samurai.

"Like what you see?" Allen teased, licking one of his dango seductively. Kanda scowled in disgust.

"No. I was just surprised to find an ass in my face when I looked up. Let alone a Moyashi ass."

"The names Allen you fucktard." Allen growled, munching on various foods. Kanda's eyes widened.

"Did you..._you.._ just cuss? Is the world ending?" Kanda mocked.

"Yes; and I'll do it a lot more when I have you dominating me in bed." Allen practically moaned.

"I have no time for a common whore." Kanda finished, standing up and walking away. Allen's eyes widened and he bit his lip, looking down at his feet. He finished his food and left.

On his way back to his room he ran into Leenalee who was all smiles and hugs until she saw his outfit and his scowl.

"A-allen? What's with the outfit.. are you okay?" Leenalee asked, curiously. Allen looked away from her and pushed her off of him.

"Don't touch me."

And with that, he was gone.

Back in his room, he sat down on his bed.

"Was it worth it... should I have just gone back to... no that mask is broken.. but you have to fix things when they break.. don't you? But some things are too broken to fix..right? So you have to get a new one.. I'm not doing...I'm doing nothing wrong." he mumbled to himself, his arms wrapped around his own torso in a self-hug. He sighed and slipped his eyes shut. Images of that dank room ran through his head, along with pictures of a bloody Leenalee and a limbless Kanda. Worst of all, he saw Mana begging him to stop... breathing his deep raspy breaths until he breathed no more. Tears leaked out from the corners of his eyes.

"I can't let that happen.. so I have to push them away..."

Allen sighed and opened his eyes, staring at the wall.

"I'm not gonna be able to fall asleep like this.. guess I have to.."

Allen took a deep breath and held it in. He counted the seconds that passed until he was awake no longer.

* * *

**So.. yay.. hooker Allen is a fun Allen. I decided to make him hold his breath till he passed out because of his insomnia from nightmares.. I dunno, what do ya think? So yeah.. Sorry again that I'm a day late. But hey, better late than never, right? **


	4. Quick Update

**...  
**

**I have no words for how late I am. Oops. But honestly I have good reasons. You guys already know why I couldn't update on Sunday.  
**

**Monday - Mom took the laptop for college classes and homework. I was computer-less all day.**

**Tuesday - Slept in till 6 pm and had a really bad headache. Also spent time with my family.**

**Wednesday - Once again computer-less nearly all day. And when I did get it back I was already exhausted.**

**Thursday - Went to work with my mom. Fainted and threw up a few times. Ended up going home and passing out till nearly midnight.**

**Friday - Still sick as hell and computer-less. Also slept in really late again.**

**Saturday - Worked on the story. Didn't finish it till now.**

**Sunday (My update days) - Woke up at 6. Felt like hell. Worked on cosplay for an hour or so. Had to clean till 10 at which point I fell asleep.**

**Today - I woke up at 10 and honestly...I couldn't update. I was having a harry potter marathon with my mum for like 6 hours. I also helped my parents with there filming. (My dad is a camera man and an editor/producer.)**

**So yea. Please don't hurt me.**

**I won't be able to update next weekend because of Ancient City Con. I'll try to do it during the week but no promises.**

**Also the weekend after that I have Anime Festival Orlando. Again, I'll try during the week but don't get your hopes up. **

**So I think I'm basically gonna have a 3 week break while I get some new ideas for where I want this story to go. I like what I'm doing with it but I'm still figuring a lot of stuff out about it. I'm not gonna drop it but I don't think my weekly schedule is gonna happen. I will update it though. I just need inspiration. Don't worry.**


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